Sometimes in life you just want out.
Like okay, I know that’s a shitty way to start! But, escape-ism is a tried and true tactic for many folks trying to cope. You name it, escaping is a sure fire way OUT of wherever you find yourself. Escape from a troubled relationship, a difficult room/space, a situation that never. seems. to. end.
It all started one sunny morning in Central Florida. I mean, before it gets hot and all. The shady Flamingo park seems like a great option for a SAHM trying to get her kids out of the house. All was well. I went to have blood drawn, and we were on our way to the shadiest park around. The kids jumped in puddles at the park, got filthy dirty, and we were making our way to the library, when that plan got hijacked, and we found ourselves back at home, peeling off wet, mud-caked shoes, shorts, and shirts. I found myself, trudging through my low-carb cycle day on my diet plan (Mondays and Tuesdays are a bitch :-).)
and it just HIT ME.
I am on the heels of another unfruitful argument with my husband, (last night’s shenanigans on the way to a wedding) boarding my In-laws going on five years, and
I JUST DON’T FIT IN THIS LIFE.
I mean, serioulsy, like the anxiety and stress just gets to me. Trying to get my In-laws “to properly launch into immigrant life post-civil war in South America” is a no-go, and feeling disconnected from my spouse is less than desirable to say the least. I mean in the words of Starr from “T.H.U.G.” “What. the. actual. fuck.??”
I turned on Hillsong worship, like you do when you need 3 liters Holy Spirt I.V. fluid, STAT, via my echodot,
I be like “Alexa, play Hillsong worship music….so this depressed white girl can get her shit together.”
with my forehead in my hand.
I mean, like, listening to these Aussie worship leaders lead me into a sense of God’s actual presence, works God’s spirit on me. It’s not even spooky, or manipulative, or charming me in any way. I just know that God’s grace is real. I know that He is seeing me through. Every day I want to QUIT. (it’s not like I want to quit everyday, I mean, on the days I DO want to quit.)
I start by feeling desperate.
Then I hatch a plan to escape. Only, in my mind (see above)
Next I piss myself (into a tizzy, to be exact) off because I know escaping will be the death of me and my children.
Finally, I remember God’s truth. Straight from the bible, I suppose, although I don’t have a verse for that, at this present moment.
You see, it seems in the midst of suffering, of feeling like I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t deserve this, all the things that go through our heads when we want OUT, I remember the cross of Christ. I remember, God remembers his work in my mind, in my heart, and I think, Lara, your in-laws don’t have anywhere to be right now. They are refugees. Their country is in shambles. They need you and ALL that you’re providing for them right now. If you persevere, despite all the comfort and space your flesh needs, you will see that all of this down here, on earth, is for His glory. Eventually, when you leave this place, your works will either stand, or be burned. IF you persevere, you can see how God’s grace brought you through to God’s glory.
So, I wait. I wait on God’s glory. Because, by the way, no one else audiences these things like God. Others may see the blessings, but you know the hurt, the pain, the heartache. God sees the way you lean into him in suffering.
For now, I remember the end. I start there. Because if I don’t, I will run. And I don’t want to run from God.